MODERATELY MAD SCIENCE BY tIANA DUMANCA ©2006
ACT I SCENE I
The show opens in a laboratory. Fortitude is sitting in front of a table, mostly obscured by a figure lying on the table covered by a sheet. He stands dramatically.
Fortitude
My victory is at hand. My pawns stand in place, and tonight I will bring these fools to their knees.
Doctor, stop this madness! They will hunt you down and...
She notices Fortitude.
What are you doing here?
FORTITUDE
Hello,
The doctor is going to return soon. You would be wise to leave this place.
FORTITUDE
Grace, have you not learned? Fortitude does not run.
GRACE
No, he hangs around until the last possible moment, when he flees screaming like a small child.
FORTITUDE
You misunderstand me. Tonight, I shall not run.
GRACE
Oh?
FORTITUDE
Tonight I shall stay by the good doctor's side. I will not desert him in his hour of need.
GRACE
This is a change from the Fortitude who fled from the peasant mob in Chertshire. The same Fortitude who hid behind a rock as the Hound of Hesterly ravaged the countryside. The self same man who was terribly wounded by Girl Scout troop number 552.
FORTITUDE
The very same.
GRACE
I shall believe it when I see it.
FORTITUDE
Oh ye of little faith, and large libido.
GRACE
Excuse me?
FORTITUDE
I failed to stutter.
GRACE
I have no more libido than any other woman in this town.
FORTITUDE
Yes, the proud, yet quiet town of Hütchiekü.
GRACE
What are you implying?
FoRTITUDE
I never imply. I state. I profess. I proclaim. I, however, do not imply.
GRACE
I see.
The figure beneath the sheet stirs.
GRACE
My God!
FORTITUDE
Save yourselves!
Dr. Craven
Uggghhhh...
GRACE
Who is there?
Dr. CRAVEN
Who dares interrupt my slumber?
FortITUDE
Don't kill me!
GRACE
Doctor?
Craven rises.
DR. CRAVEN
Grace? How did you manage to get into my bedchamber? Could it be? Or does my mind play a cruel trick upon my senses?
GRACE
We're not in your bedchamber.
DR. CRAVEN
However did I manage to get into your bedchamber?
GRACE
We're in your office!
DR. CRAVEN
That makes more sense.
GRACE
Why did you disrobe?
DR. CRAVEN
I often fall asleep here, but the dreadful heat...
FORTITUDE
That's enough!
DR. CRAVEN
Ah, Fortitude, I didn't know you were here.
GRACE
He's difficult to notice when cowering behind your desk.
FORTITUDE
Do not mock my diminutive stature, Grace. I tower above all others in my village.
DR. CRAVEN
We all know abut your great stature among the dwarves.
FORTITUDE
I'm not a dwarf.
GRACE
You have that rather creepy quality.
DR. CRAVEN
Enough! Is everything ready?
FoRTITUDE
I prepared everything you asked for.
GRACE
I have...done nothing of consequence.
DR. CRAVEN
Excellent. Everything is in order.
FORTITUDE
Was the acceleratrix supposed to be attached to the reconfoobulator?
DR. CRAVEN
No. Why?
FORTITUDE
No reason.
GRACE
Did you connect it wrong? I told you to read the manual!
Both men look at her incredulously.
What?
FORTITUDE
I have no need for such foolishness.
It is not for women to understand such things. From the beginning of time, men have been those to break free of such shackles. We have been entrusted by Prometheus himself to keep the god-fires burning through defying the constraints of those oppressive forces. Our genitalia is a trust between us and the titans. The very gods themselves would weep upon the very injustice of masculine hands soiling themselves with such things.
All right, so you don't read the fucking manual!
FORTITUDE
Never mention that vile thing again.
Fine.
Let the heavens part! Let the skies rain forth electric vengeance!
FORTITUDE
Let lightning cleave the firmament! Let
Our creation?
Boys, we have a problem.
Grace, please. This is an important moment.
GRACE
The sky is clear.
FORTITUDE
(In a conspiratory fashion.)
And the dew is thick on the roses.
DR. CRAVEN
What?
FORTITUDE
Nothing.
GRACE
Not a cloud in the sky.
DR. CRAVEN
What? Fortitude, did you not check the forecast?
FORTITUDE
I have no need for such...
DR. CRAVEN
I have no need for you, you bumbler!
GRACE
Lightning? You needed lightning?
GRACE
This smacks of poor planning.
DR. CRAVEN
I know of something in need of a good smack!
GRACE
How dare you?
FORTITUDE
Not the face!
DR. CRAVEN
I need to know when the next thunderstorm is going to occur.
GRACE
Tomorrow night there is a chance of rain.
FORTITUDE
How do you know that?
GRACE
I read the forecast.
FORTITUDE
What are we supposed to do until then?
DR. CRAVEN
We prepare, dear boy.
GRACE
Yes, we must prepare.
FORTITUDE
I told you, I already prepared.
DR. CRAVEN
Then just continue to be what you are. Utterly worthless.
FORTITUDE
I can do that.
GRACE
Doctor, may I assist you?
DR. CRAVEN
Always.
FORTITUDE
Go, I will remain here.
DR. CRAVEN
That's fine.
GRACE
No one invited you.
They exit.
There is a knock at the door.
FORTITUDE
Whoever could that be?
Granville enters.
Granville
Fortitude?
FORTITUDE
Granville?
GRANVILLE
Who else would it be?
FORTITUDE
I told you to meet me at midnight.
GRANVILLE
My wife wouldn't let me out of the house that late.
FORTITUDE
You have to cancel the mob.
GRANVILLE
I can't.
FORTITUDE
Nothing's happening tonight.
GRANVILLE
I can't just cancel an angry mob!
FORTITUDE
There won't be anything for them to chase!
GRANVILLE
Fortitude, I scheduled an angry mob for seven o'clock tomorrow morning. If there isn't anything for them to pursue, they are coming after you!
FORTITUDE
There's no need to get hasty, Granville. There will be something for you to pursue. I assure you.
GRANVILLE
Your assurances are less than comforting in my eyes.
FORTITUDE
You don't trust me?
GRANVILLE
I trust you to wet yourself as you run...
FORTITUDE
That was one time. Will none of you ever let me forget that tragedy?
GRANVILLE
It was twice.
FORTITUDE
What?
GRANVILLE
You wet yourself twice.
FORTITUDE
I did not!
GRANVILLE
Once after the Hound of Hesterly incident, and after the scouts beat you unconscious, you wet yourself yet again.
FORTITUDE
I was senseless! You could hardly fault me for a lack of bladder control.
GRANVILLE
I suppose not, but I manage nonetheless.
FORTITUDE
Granville, a horrific monster is going to be wreaking havoc on the town. I will wager money you wet yourself before I do.
GRANVILLE
Tis a wager.
FORTITUDE
I didn't mean that as a literal bet. It was more metaphorical.
GRANVILLE
I made it literal.
FORTITUDE
You can't do that!
GRANVILLE
Of course I can. You and I could be talking about a conflict within the metaphorical sense, however, the moment I plant my boot firmly between your spindly legs, the pain you feel becomes rooted in reality. If I can create a concrete experience from such an ethereal conversation, surely I can make your abstract bet a true wager.
FORTITUDE
Sir, I have underestimated you.
GRANVILLE
Most do. You mistake my size for the inability to think clearly.
FORTITUDE
I assure you, you shall have ample opportunity to release your angry mob upon this inhuman construct.
GRANVILLE
Indeed. I take you at your word, do not disappoint me.
FORTITUDE
I wouldn't dream of it.
GRANVILLE
At this rate, I am sure to get a promotion.
FORTITUDE
Just remember, your advancement hinges upon my success.
GRANVILLE
How can I forget with your constant reminders?
FORTITUDE
I want to make sure you understand.
GRANVILLE
Use small words.
FORTITUDE
That's a rather large fist.
GRANVILLE
Now, I believe my diminutive intellect can handle your vast plans.
FORTITUDE
I don't think my diminutive body can handle your vast...capacity for violence.
GRANVILLE
I will see you soon.
Granville exits.
FORTITUDE
Now, I just have to figure out how to make it rain.
Act i scene iii
Granville and The Commander are seated at a table in a tavern. The Tavern Wench is attending to matters around them, but listening intently. The Commander is an imposing, mysterious figure. He sports an eye patch, the result of a perilous battle long ago. Fortitude enters dressed in a very conspicuous disguise. He sits at a nearby table, attempting to hide his face.
GRANVILLE
He gave me his word. The raid is set for seven tomorrow.
Commander
Are you certain we can trust the little worm?
GRANVILLE
If not, I plan to exact swift justice.
COMMANDER
Your penchant for violence is beginning to earn you a reputation among us. I must say, well done!
GRANVILLE
Thank you, sir.
Tavern wench
Can I offer you anything else, boys?
COMMANDER
Two more rounds of ale, and...anything sweet that might be around the kitchen.
TAVERN WENCH
Of course, sir. Shall I fetch you one of our pies, or are you content to take your treat from off the floor like any other common dog.
COMMANDER
I'll take my sweets any way I can get them.
The Tavern Wench gives an exasperated gesture
and moves behind the men, still listening to their conversation.
GRANVILLE
Sir, with all due respect, the ladies don't seem to respond well to your words.
COMMANDER
Granville, I am your commanding officer. If you would like that promotion you've been so desperately wanting, I advise you keep your comments to yourself.
GRANVILLE
Yes, sir.
COMMANDER
Besides, what do you know of the fairer sex? You have sequestered yourself with the Minotaur for a good number of years.
GRANVILLE
Sir, please do not refer to my wife as the Minotaur.
COMMANDER
Oh come now, you are at her mercy! You, the hero of the siege of Chertshire. At the mere mention of her name, you jump like a frightened rabbit.
GRANVILLE
What is wrong with respecting one's spouse, sir?
COMMANDER
Respecting one's spouse? Will you listen to yourself? I would like to point out that the true mark of a leader is a healthy grasp of your desires.
He gooses the Tavern Wench as she passes by.
COMMANDER
You see?
GRANVILLE
I will try to bear that in mind, sir, but you must understand, there is only one person in this village who is more violent than I.
COMMANDER
There is?
GRANVILLE
Indeed, sir, and I married her.
COMMANDER
Then perhaps I should make her captain of your squadron.
GRANVILLE
I didn't...
COMMANDER
You know I would never do that, women cannot handle authority.
The Tavern Wench returns with their order.
TAVERN WENCH
Your ale, gentlemen. I am sorry, I was unable to find anything sweet to appease you, sir.
COMMANDER
Oh, I'm sure I can think of something else I want.
TAVERN WENCH
And I'm certain we're out of that too.
COMMANDER
No, I assure you, it is in ample supply.
TAVERN WENCH
Pay when you are finished.
COMMANDER
Naturally. Though it takes me quite some time to...finish.
GRANVILLE
Sir! Forgive him...
COMMANDER
I have done nothing to be forgiven for!
TAVERN WENCH
You should be ashamed.
COMMANDER
What the devil are you all talking about? Shame is for the weak. And Granville.
TAVERN WENCH
Granville happens to be a fine man. You could learn something from him.
COMMANDER
Like what?
TAVERN WENCH
Like how to properly treat a lady.
GRANVILLE
Thank you.
COMMANDER
Or I could learn how to be perpetually intimidated by women.
Tavern Wench walks away, frustrated.
GRANVILLE
Sir, please, if we could get back to the subject at hand.
COMMANDER
Of course, now we could find you one of those farm girls, you know, little brains big...
GRANVILLE
No, sir, I meant the raid.
Fortitude leans over, listening.
COMMANDER
Oh! Right. Now, we don't know what we are dealing with, do we?
GRANVILLE
I couldn't obtain that information. I am sorry.
COMMANDER
Didn't the little weasel know anything?
GRANVILLE
No, only the doctor and his nurse seem to know anything about it. They've kept Fortitude entirely in the dark.
COMMANDER
Pity. I don't like going into these affairs blind.
GRANVILLE
I doubt it will be anything we cannot handle, sir.
COMMANDER
I have faith in you, the doctor has yet to produce anything that would be a true threat. Still, I advise caution.
GRANVILLE
Always, sir.
COMMANDER
The doctor has eluded our grasp for far too long. The town elders have tolerated him for too long. This day, we eliminate him, with or without the elders' support.
GRANVILLE
Sir?
COMMANDER
You heard me. I don't only want his creation destroyed, I want him wiped from the face of the Earth.
GRANVILLE
I see. Sir, if I may ask, why now?
CoMMANDER
The elders will not be with the mob this morning...
GRANVILLE
They won't?
COMMANDER
The elders have gotten a bit more elderly since last we raided Dr. Craven's lab. They now rule the realms of sleep, and leave the dispensing of justice to us.
GRANVILLE
I see.
COMMANDER
I trust you to remove him. Entirely.
GRANVILLE
Yes, sir.
COMMANDER
Now, extreme caution must be taken. This creature is sure to be dangerous.
GRANVILLE
I understand, I have a full brigade prepared to attack on my signal.
Fortitude leans over further, a panicked look on his face. He falls over.
COMMANDER
Well done, but if they fail?
GRANVILLE
Fail?
COMMANDER
Yes, what if our men fail?
Fortitude's head pops back up, listening.
GRANVILLE
Unfortunately, the whole town will suffer.
COMMANDER
You have no back up plan?
GRANVILLE
He assured me back up forces would not be needed.
COMMANDER
Oh Granville, this is why I plan most of the strategy. I do not trust this rat. The monster could take us all by surprise, then what would become of us? We would be left defenseless.
GRANVILLE
The peasants have pitchforks.
COMMANDER
I will not have you stabbing a ravaging beast with pitchforks! Other towns will think us uncivilized.
GRANVILLE
We are uncivilized.
COMMANDER
We don't advertise it.
GRANVILLE
I don't see the problem with...
COMMANDER
That's the problem. You don't see. You don't see peasants in pieces scattered over the streets.
GRANVILLE
You see our men scattered over the streets.
COMMANDER
They have trained for that. They know the risks.
GRANVILLE
Shouldn't we protect our own?
COMMANDER
Damn it, Granville, I'm not here to hold the hand of every new recruit.
GRANVILLE
I know that, sir.
COMMANDER
I want results, and I am prepared to send each and every one of you to your untimely deaths.
GRANVILLE
Sir?
COMMANDER
I mean it, Granville. I will watch each and every one of you bastards die for your town. I will wade through your blood as it flows through the streets!
GRANVILLE
I don't want to die.
COMMANDER
I'll honor your...what do mean you don't want to die?
GRANVILLE
I don't want to die, sir.
COMMANDER
Damn it! Each year my officers lose their will. Whatever happened to the men who used to dive headfirst into combat without a thought for their own personal safety?
GRANVILLE
They're all dead, sir.
COMMANDER
What?
GRANVILLE
They're all dead.
COMMANDER
Impossible. What happened to Regiment 401?
GRANVILLE
They were killed in the last raid on the doctor.
COMMANDER
Well, what about Regiment 332?
GRANVILLE
Killed in action last winter.
COMMANDER
Damn it.
GRANVILLE
We don't have enough men to make the streets run red.
COMMANDER
What about one block?
GRANVILLE
No.
COMMANDER
How many men do we have?
GRANVILLE
Well, there's you, me, Jones and his brother...
COMMANDER
And?
GRANVILLE
That's it.
COMMANDER
What?
GRANVILLE
That's it, sir.
Fortitude falls from his chair again. He scrambles from the room.
COMMANDER
That's not a brigade. That's barely a casual gathering.
GRANVILLE
We also have the peasants.
Tavern Wench enters.
TAVERN WENCH
Excuse me?
GRANVILLE
Peasants.
TAVERN WENCH
We don't serve those here.
COMMANDER
You don't?
TAVERN WENCH
Not anymore.
COMMANDER
Could I get a serf?
TAVERN WENCH
No.
COMMANDER
Whatever happened to service with a smile?
TAVERN WENCH
If you were looking at my face, maybe you would see a smile.
COMMANDER
But if I look lower, I smile.
TAVERN WENCH
You are a pig.
GRANVILLE
Don't encourage him.
TAVERN WENCH
I'll have you know, I am only working here to put myself through school.
COMMANDER
Silly girl, women can't learn.
TAVERN WENCH
I'll be a nurse like my cousin Grace.
GRANVILLE
Grace is your cousin?
TAVERN WENCH
Yes? You know her?
GRANVILLE
I'm acquainted.
TAVERN WENCH
How are you acquainted?
GRANVILLE
In the Biblical sense.
TAVERN WENCH
What?
GRANVILLE
We go to the same church.
COMMANDER
For a moment, I almost respected you.
GRANVILLE
For a moment, I almost respected myself.
TAVERN WENCH
Well, Granville, if you see her, please give her my regards.
COMMANDER
We'll be sure to pass the message along.
GRANVILLE
Small world.
COMMANDER
Wait. Isn't Grace the nurse for Craven?
GRANVILLE
Yes. Oh dear!
COMMANDER
Oh dear? No, this is a perfect opportunity.
GRANVILLE
For what?
COMMANDER
For tea and crumpets. You twit! We can send her in for information.
GRANVILLE
Sir, surely you aren't suggesting that we use a simple barmaid for our dirty work?
COMMANDER
I'm not suggesting. I'm commanding.
GRANVILLE
Sir, she's just a lass, a gentle, soft creature...
COMMANDER
Who has...I mean she can be a massive asset to us. Ask her, Granville. I have unfortunate luck propositioning this particular wench.
GRANVILLE
What makes you think I will fare any better?
COMMANDER
She likes you. Use your charm, your wit, your good looks. Well, use your charm and wit.
GRANVILLE
Yes, sir.
COMMANDER
Glad to hear it. I'll take my leave now.
GRANVILLE
Sir?
COMMANDER
What is it now?
GRANVILLE
Did you pay her?
COMMANDER
You can take care of that whenever you'd like.
GRANVILLE
But, sir...
COMMANDER
Good night, Granville. I shall see you in the morning.
GRANVILLE
But, sir, I don't...
COMMANDER
I said good night!
He executes a sharp military turn and exits.
GRANVILLE
He did it again!
Tavern Wench enters.
TAVERN WENCH
He left?
GRANVILLE
Indeed.
TAVERN WENCH
I don't know why you put up with him.
GRANVILLE
He is my commander.
TAVERN WENCH
He is a bastard of the highest order.
GRANVILLE
Exactly.
TAVERN WENCH
You need not pay.
GRANVILLE
I owe you something.
TAVERN WENCH
I am sure you have something to offer me.
GRANVILLE
Only my coin.
TAVERN WENCH
Oh.
GRANVILLE
So, how long has it been since you have seen Grace?
TAVERN WENCH
What?
GRANVILLE
Weeks? Months?
TAVERN WENCH
It has been an age since last we spoke.
GRANVILLE
Would you like to see her again?
TAVERN WENCH
Certainly. I miss her. Ever since we were children, Grace and I have been close. Our mothers used to let us play in yon field. As we grew, we shared clothing, secrets. She even shared a suitor. He was wonderful. Large, strong, smart. He could tell a cow's age simply by counting the number of spots on it. He was everything to me...us. But Grace was always his favorite. He brought her roses. He gave her sweets. He never gave me sweets. He gave me a piece of grass once. He had finished chewing it. I kept it for the longest time. Until Grace threw it out. I miss her ever so much.
GRANVILLE
You have summarily killed that dishrag.
TAVERN WENCH
I'm not bitter!
GRANVILLE
I did not say you were. However, if you would like to see her, she works for the doctor on the edge of town.
TAVERN WENCH
She's Craven's nurse?
GRANVILLE
After your visit, I'd like to see you again.