I WANNA DESTROY YOU BY
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
(A large
apartment one mile into the sky.
EDIE,
adorned in an expensive kimono, stands on
a chair and brandishes a rolled up magazine at unseen foes.
EDIE
I
hate you.
I’m
sorry I stayed out all night.
EDIE
There
are roaches here,
I’ll
call the exterminator. Get down off that chair. You’ll hurt yourself.
EDIE
Don’t
you tell me what to do! Where were you tonight?
I
was out with
EDIE
You
couldn’t have called? I stayed up all night. I tried to sleep for a while but
then I watched a little bit of Rosemary’s
Baby on cable and I couldn’t.
You shouldn’t watch scary movies, babe, you know they give you nightmares.
EDIE
I
was suckered into watching this one. Have you seen it?
EDIE (cont.)
I know, I’ve seen the movie, babe.
EDIE
Do you think our neighbors could be witches?
No, I do not think the
EDIE
Are there Jewish witches?
Come down from that chair.
EDIE
I can’t.
Yes, you can. Come on.
EDIE
There are roaches!
There are roaches everywhere. This is
EDIE
But we shouldn’t have them here. We’re not poor. This is a nice apartment and a nice neighborhood! We shouldn’t have to live like immigrants in a tenement!
We don’t.
EDIE
Don’t laugh at me,
I’m not laughing, now come down.
EDIE
No.
Edie, I want a divorce.
(Long pause.)
EDIE
All right. I’ll come down.
Don’t freak out.
EDIE
I’m not freaking out. Is it somebody else?
No. It’s just you.
EDIE
Who is this person?
I already told you there isn’t anybody.
EDIE
I don’t believe you. I smell a woman’s perfume.
Stop imagining odors. The point is I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry.
EDIE
Don’t be sorry. If you don’t love me, then you don’t love me.
You’re taking this really well.
EDIE
I’m going to kill myself.
Stop it.
EDIE
I’ll drink bleach from under the sink. I can’t live without you. I don’t know how to take care of myself.
You’re a very smart woman. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.
EDIE
No.
No what?
EDIE
We’re not getting a divorce.
Yes, we are.
EDIE
I can’t live here by myself. Somebody will get me.
Not this again.
EDIE
I know that there’s a conspiracy against me. People give me looks. Everywhere I go they give me looks like they know something I don’t.
That’s because you’ve taken too many Klonopin and you have lipstick on your teeth.
EDIE
I need Klonopin. It’s too big, too scary here for
me. You promised you’d take care of me. I went from my
EDIE (cont.)
parents’ house to the sorority house to your house. You are obligated to me.
I know that. You’ll never want for anything, Edie. You’ll have all the money you need and you’ll have this apartment. Aren’t those things the reason that you married me?
EDIE
No. I loved you. You said you loved me too.
I meant that. But I can’t take care of you any more. I need to have some facsimile of a life. This one is boring.
(Edie picks up the chair and holds it above her head.)
EDIE
I’m going to hit you with this chair.
Put the chair down, Edie.
EDIE
I’ll bash your skull right in.
Be reasonable.
EDIE
I’ll show you reasonable!
(Edie smashes the chair over his head. He crawls around the floor,
dazed. His head bleeds.
Edie paces around the room, not knowing what to do.)
You hit me with a chair.
EDIE
Shut up.
Am I bleeding?
EDIE
Yes.
I think I need an ambulance, babe.
EDIE
Quiet. I’m trying to think.
I’m in a lot of pain, Edie.
EDIE
Oh, all right you big baby. (She produces
You’re crazy.
EDIE
If I am then you did this to me. I’ve got to get out of here.
You’re leaving?
EDIE
(Getting her coat and purse.)
I need some time to think. You’re ambulance should be here momentarily.
God, it hurts!
EDIE
I’m sorry I hit you with a chair,
That’s okay.
EDIE
You really did deserve it.
I know.
EDIE
When those people come I want you to tell them you
fell down. Do you understand me? (
I understand.
EDIE
I’ve taken your credit card and I’ll be staying at
the Tribeca Grand. (She begins to exit.) I’m
sorry things have to be this way,
(She retrieves the Klonopin. She exits again. Ambulance sirens blare in
the distance as Danny rubs his aching head.
Elsewhere Edie is seen hailing a cab.)
SCENE TWO
(An
echoing corridor within the Museum of Strange Beasts. CARMEN wears
an awkward vest and leads a tour group of one: Danny, who wears a dapper suit
and is eating Chinese takeout. His head is wrapped in bandages.
Carmen speaks as if to a crowd, never
looking directly at Danny.
They come upon a stuffed Dodo bird.)
CARMEN
Here
we see the Dodo bird, now extinct. What we know about him has been pieced
together from accounts by dead Dutchmen and the scientists of our modern age.
For example, one can see from its skeletal structure that the Dodo was
flightless.
DANNY
How
did the Dodo become extinct?
CARMEN
Please,
sir. If you can hold all questions until the end of the tour…
The Dodo bird was not always a dodo. His is a sad, sad story about the dangers
of a trusting heart. See, once upon a time the Dodo was like any other bird. A
sea gull, we’ll say. One day this sea gull is out flying over the Indian Ocean
and enjoying the sunshine when he spots a beautiful island down below. The
island is Mauritius, though the sea gull doesn’t know it. The bird lands, takes
a look around, and decides he’s found a really great deal. The
He
forgets how to fly because he doesn’t have to. The bird has become a dodo. Things go well for the dodo
for
countless years until one day some Dutchmen show up in boat. With them they
bring new and strange creatures: dogs, pigs, rats. The Dodo, having known no
adversity for years and years, walks right up to a Dutch hunter or a hungry dog
as if it were a friend. The Dodo knew only trust and that was his fatal flaw.
Dodo means stupid but the Dodo wasn’t dumb. It was trusting. No more Dodo. (Beat.) I
think there’s a metaphor in that somewhere.
(
Yes, sir.
You smell nice.
Thank
you. Is that general Tsao’s Chicken?
It’s
Kung Pow.
You can’t have that in here.
Sorry, I’m just on my lunch break. It’s actually my first lunch break. Ever.
Seriously?
DANNY
Yeah.
CARMEN
Well,
just try to be discreet about it.
DANNY
Thanks.
You know I walk by this place every day and I’ve never come in?
CARMEN
What
makes today different?
DANNY
Absolutely nothing. It was just an impulse. I’m glad I did though.
CARMEN
Do you enjoy taxidermied critters?
DANNY
Is that a word, taxidermied? No, I don’t.
CARMEN
That’s too bad.
DANNY
What’s your name?
CARMEN
No thanks.
DANNY
No thanks what?
CARMEN
That’s really sweet but I’m not interested.
DANNY
You don’t think I’m cute, Carmen?
CARMEN
Oh, it’s on my blazer.
DANNY
I was just being polite.
CARMEN
I hate this nametag.
DANNY
Don’t you think I’m cute?
CARMEN
You’re cute. A little smug. I like your suit.
DANNY
It was very expensive.
CARMEN
You don’t think I know a designer suit when I see one?
DANNY
I wouldn’t dream of suggesting otherwise.
CARMEN
What do you do for a living —-
DANNY
Danny.
CARMEN
Danny. What do you do that doesn’t allow for lunch breaks but pays for fancy Italian suits?
DANNY
I’m in finance.
CARMEN
I should have known.
DANNY
Is something wrong with that?
CARMEN
No, not if you have no soul and only care about money.
DANNY
I have a soul. I read Dostoevsky.
CARMEN
Impressive. What happened to your head?
DANNY
I was hit with a chair.
CARMEN
Mm.
DANNY
What are you, like an artist or something?
CARMEN
I work here.
DANNY
I know you work here but you must do something else.
CARMEN
You shouldn’t assume that because a person is broke that they’re some sort of artist.
DANNY
I didn’t assume you were broke. Are you broke?
CARMEN
Usually. I’m also an artist.
DANNY
What kind of work do you do?
CARMEN
Well, right now I’m collecting old hair extensions that I find on the street and weaving them into rugs and macramé and things.
DANNY
Really?
CARMEN
Yeah. Do you want a plant holder?
DANNY
No thank you. How do you find so many hair extensions on the street?
CARMEN
I live in Brooklyn.
DANNY
Oh. Okay.
CARMEN
I’m thinking of titling my show Leave it to Weaver.
DANNY
I like it.
CARMEN
Thanks.
DANNY
Wow. That’s hilarious.
CARMEN
If you say so…
DANNY
Oh, you meant that to be ironic didn’t you?
CARMEN
Look at my life. I don’t even know when I’m being ironic anymore.
DANNY
Would you like to have dinner with me?
CARMEN
Why?
DANNY
To eat.
CARMEN
Why do you want to eat with me?
DANNY
Because I think you’re beautiful and very funny.
CARMEN
I’m not funny.
DANNY
Well, you’re prettier than you are funny.
CARMEN
I’ll take that.
DANNY
So how about it?
CARMEN
Tell you what… me and my roommate are having a party tonight. You should come.
DANNY
In Brooklyn?
CARMEN
In Brooklyn.
DANNY
I won’t be killed by a crack addict, will I?
CARMEN
It’s likely. Kidding. I live in Williamsburg so you’re more likely to get a hand job from a trust fund baby.
DANNY
Excellent.
CARMEN
Will you come?
DANNY
I don’t know.
CARMEN
You should. I’m totally easy when I’m drunk.
DANNY
Good to know. Yeah, I think I’ll come.
CARMEN
Do you have a pen? (Danny produces a pen from his coat pocket and hands it to her. She begins to write on his Chinese takeout box.) This is my number. Call me later and I’ll give you directions.
DANNY
Will do.
CARMEN
Can I have a bite of that?
DANNY
Help yourself.
(She does.)
CARMEN
Thanks. I don’t take lunch breaks either. I’ll see you tonight.
DANNY
Yeah. See you tonight.
(They part ways. In the odd lights of transition, we see Edie step out
from the shadows. She has been spying on them. She opens a bottle of pills,
takes two, and washes them down with Pellegrino.
Carmen throws confetti in the air. There is music and laughter.)
SCENE THREE
(BJORN and ALEX
sit on a stoop in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. They each have their own
bottle of champagne
they occasionally drink from.
They
are watching the sunrise.)
BJORN
Here are some things I’ve learned about rats. A: Rats cannot throw up. This is what makes poison
such an effective method of
extermination. B: Rats sweat through
their feet. Let’s see, what else? 3: rats can jump
really high.
ALEX
I don’t really like talking about rats.
BJORN
Rat communities are their own little universes. See? They’re full of gathering places and
families and struggle and survival.
ALEX
It smells like balls out here.
BJORN
That’s Brooklyn for you.
ALEX
I think I’d like to live in Vermont. I’d like the cold. It freezes over the trash and makes
everything feel clean. I could stand for
a little cleanliness. We all could.
BJORN
Look at that one! He’s caught in a bag, poor guy.
ALEX
Yeah.
BJORN
I feel like I should try to help him.
ALEX
He’ll bite you.
BJORN
Rats don’t bite people.
ALEX
What are you talking about? Of course rats bite people.
BJORN
Are you sure?
ALEX
You’re so trusting.
BJORN
They’re more afraid of us than we are of them. We’re people, masters of our domain.
ALEX
I doubt the accuracy of that last statement. I think you’re too drunk to be the master of
anything. (Looking around) God, how could we live in a place like this? Where I grew up it was so safe and
clean. I hated it there. I couldn’t
wait to grow up and come here. Now I’m
not sure.
BJORN
Even
if you were rich -- even if you lived a mile up in the sky -- that’ still just
a mile above the piss and grime. It’s
what makes this city great.
ALEX
I’m miserable. Do you wanna go home with me?
BJORN
Do you want me to?
ALEX
Not if you don’t want to.
BJORN
I should probably help Carmen clean up.
ALEX
Okay.
BJORN
I’m beat.
ALEX
Me too. It’s a good kind of beat
though. I had an amazing night. I love
big glamorous parties that make you
forget the whole world is full of cultureless blobs.
We should go to parties every night.
BJORN
I pretty much do.
ALEX
Me too.
BJORN
I like you, Alex.
ALEX
I like you too, Bjorn.
(They kiss. Elsewhere we see Carmen
and Danny kissing.)
BJORN
That was nice.
ALEX
Wasn’t it? It doesn’t always go that well. What do you do for a living? It just occurred to me that
I don’t know anything about you.
BJORN
I don’t know anything about you either.
ALEX
You have a lot to learn. I lead a terribly fascinating life.
BJORN
Is that so? Let me guess. You’re a CIA agent by day, high-class escort by night.
ALEX
Close. I watch television.
BJORN
For a living?
ALEX
I’m afraid so.
BJORN
And who exactly pays you to watch television?
ALEX
Well, I go to an office where twenty or thirty people sit in front of televisions with headphones
on. I get there and I’m assigned a
certain show, and it’s usually something
horrible I’d never watch where people
compete by eating larvae, and then I write trivia
questions about it for a website.
BJORN
That doesn’t sound so bad.
ALEX
But what I’m really doing is carefully keeping track of product placements within the show and
reporting them to a database for
corporate clients.
BJORN
Okay, well that sounds awful.
ALEX
Believe me, it is.
BJORN
Does it pay well?
ALEX
Fifteen dollars an hour.
BJORN
Yikes.
ALEX
I know, right? Sometimes I catch myself in a moment
and I have to wonder exactly how I got
there. Like,
ALEX (cont.)
what
choices led to this? I came here to be this big PR person, right? I worked in PR for three months and
then
one day I called my boss and I said I’m not coming
in today… or ever again. And that was it.
BJORN
Good for you.
ALEX
Well…
BJORN
Seriously, I think it’s good to make rash decisions. If you didn’t nothing would ever change.
ALEX
What about you?
BJORN
I wanted to be an actor.
ALEX
Yeah?
BJORN
I don’t audition anymore. I guess I just lost the hunger for it. So now I work at the museum
with Carmen.
ALEX
Wow. We are just the picture of disappointment, aren’t we?
BJORN
I guess we are. So where did you grow up? You said it was safe and clean.
ALEX
Chapel Hill, North Carolina. You?
BJORN
A little town in Washington State.
Kingston?
ALEX
Never heard of it.
BJORN
I thought not.
(Danny has come down the stairs during this. The two boys have to make room for him to get through. Danny exits.
Elsewhere Carmen cleans after a party.)
ALEX
Okay, I’ve got one for you. Tell me one strange habit you have that other people might not know.
BJORN
You mean, other than rat watching?
ALEX
Yes, other than that.
BJORN
Hmm…
ALEX
You’ve got to have one.
BJORN
Okay, I’ve got one.
ALEX
Okay.
BJORN
At Christmas I like to turn off all the heat in my apartment, put on my coat and mittens and
scarf, and watch old claymation
Christmas specials with hot cocoa.
ALEX
That’s adorable.
BJORN
Yeah?
ALEX
Much better than that whole rat thing, yeah.
BJORN
Okay, you tell me one. Make it something embarrassing.
ALEX
Embarrassing…
BJORN
You have to give me a chance to get even for that whole rat thing.
ALEX
Okay, I know. When I eat microwave popcorn, when I’m finished, I like to rip open the bag and lick
off the salt and butter from the inside.
BJORN
You’re disgusting.
ALEX
Hey, you made me tell you!
BJORN
I can’t believe you’re not, like, morbidly obese.
ALEX
I guess I’m just lucky.
BJORN
I guess so.
(They kiss again. CARMEN comes down the stairs wearing a disheveled party dress and
carries a bag of trash.)
CARMEN
Bjorn, you son of bitch, you better help me clean.
BJORN
I’m going to. I’m right in the middle of something.
CARMEN
Alex, I didn’t know you were still here.
ALEX
Bjorn and I were just talking.
CARMEN
I see that. (To Alex.) Are you
working today?
ALEX
No. Are you?
CARMEN
In four hours. Don’t I look fresh?
BJORN
You look like an old hand bag.
CARMEN
Shut up, you!
BJORN
(To Alex)
Carmen’s not a morning person.
CARMEN
I might be if I ever slept. (She
drops the trash.) Are you coming,
Bjorn?
BJORN
Yeah, in a minute.
CARMEN
I’ll see you later, Alex.
(They kiss on the
cheek.)
ALEX
Thanks for inviting me. I had fun.
CARMEN
Get home safely.
(Carmen exits up the
stairs.)
BJORN
Well…
ALEX
Yeah.
BJORN
I had an amazing time.
ALEX
Me too. It’s funny how miserable you
can be and then suddenly you just
have one perfect New York night to bring
you back.
BJORN
It is funny.
ALEX
I’ll see you later, Bjorn.
BJORN
You know where I live.
ALEX
I do.
(They kiss.)
ALEX
Bye.
(Alex begins to
exit.)
BJORN
Alex? (Alex stops.) If
you want you can help me clean up. I
mean, if you’re not too tired. You’re not too tired,
are you?
ALEX
No. I’m not too tired.
(Bjorn and Alex exit
up the stairs.)
SCENE FOUR
(Edie’s room at the Tribeca Grand. She is lounging around in a robe with a
magazine.
There is a knock at the door.)
EDIE
Come
in. (Danny enters.) Oh, it’s you. I
thought it was my bucket of ice.
DANNY
I
want you to come home, Edie.
EDIE
You
do?
DANNY
Yes.
I think paying for this hotel is a pretty unnecessary expense, don’t you?
EDIE
Oh.
DANNY
What?
EDIE
Nothing. I thought you’d changed your mind. Stupid me.
DANNY
I’m
not going to change my mind about divorcing you, Edie.
EDIE
Well,
at any rate I can’t go back to the apartment right now. There are bugs there.
DANNY
I’ll
get an exterminator.
EDIE
Let
me know when you do and I’ll go back.
DANNY
How
are you?
EDIE
Fabulous. Everything is going swimmingly. I’ve fallen in love with a French
soldier named Guy. It’s all very romantic.
DANNY
I’m
serious.
EDIE
I’m
being serious too. We’re very much in love and plan on returning to Provence in
the spring.
DANNY
If
you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine. I have to say, though, I think
you’re being very immature.
EDIE
I saw you with t