The Emancipation of Britney Spears

By Steve Ptacek

BRITANY, holding a bong held together with duct tape, releases a cloud of smoke. She and AMBER pass the bong back and forth.

BRITANY

That neighbor girl keeps staring at me. Whenever I walk by her grammama’s place, she watches behind the screen door.

AMBER

She likes you.

BRITANY

I don’t like it.

AMBER

Do you got the lighter?

BRITANY

I can’t tell what nationality she is. I know her grammama is white, but I never met her mom. I think she might be part Hispanic. I wonder if she knows what she is. I bet you she doesn’t. Maybe next time I see her, I’ll walk right up to her and say “I know what you are right now, little girl, and I am going to tell you right now.” That’s what I’ll say. Do you think she wants me to play with her?

AMBER

Probably wants you to take her away from here.

BRITANY

I’m not going anywhere. Gimme back the lighter.

AMBER

Do you think you could get me a job at Perkins? I figure they’d be looking for a hostess now that they made you a full waitress and all. Kevin’s making me pay my half of the rent now that we broke up again…

BRITANY

That asshole. Girl, I’m glad you dumped his ass. He was no good, and I think he’s a big hypocrite. He walks around wearing that cross and telling people they’re all going to hell and then he goes around and cheats on your ass again. He’s not just two timing you, he’s, like, two timing Jesus.

AMBER

Britany…

BRITANY

And those stupid fuckin’ corn rows, I mean serious, who does he even think he is, R. Kelly or some shit? I mean he could be, fucking around with your little /sister. Isn’t she like 14 or some shit?

AMBER

/Britany…

BRITANY

Jesus she wasn’t even alive for the eighties, she was born in the /fucking nineties man!

AMBER

/BRITANY!

BRITANY

What?

AMBER

You’re camping on the bong. It’s my hit.

BRITANY

Oh, sorry, here you go…

AMBER

Thanks…

BRITANY

Almost took a second hit without even noticing.

BRITANY gets up to play “BABY, BABY” by Amy Grant on an old cassette player.

AMBER

I can’t believe you still have a tape player.

BRITANY

Fuck yeah, I do. CDs sound like shit. Plus you need a computer to make mix tapes. This is old school. I’m hanging on to this forever.

AMBER

This bowl is cashed.

BRITANY

How long do you think it will be until we get replaced?

AMBER

What do you mean, replaced?

BRITANY

I mean, we’re young, you and me. We’re both queens of the world, and we can do whatever we want. We aren’t celebrities or anything, but we’ve got game and we’re hot enough for now. How long until people move on and we’re the “old school” or people just ignore us?

AMBER

Fuck…I don’t like thinking thinking like that.

BRITANY

Sorry. You want to load another bowl?

AMBER

Can I?

BRITANY

Of course.

AMBER loads another bowl.

AMBER

Thanks so much for this. God, I don’t know how I could sit through the whole party without getting baked. What if Kevin shows up, you know? It’s bad enough I have to see him around the apartment everyday. I just don’t know what will happen if we’re in public together and I’m not chilled out.

BRITANY

I’m bored, you wanna watch Law and Order? I just bought a bunch of VHS tapes at Goodwill.

AMBER

Naw, thanks. I hate that show. Same thing happens every time over and over again. World don’t work that way.

BRITANY

It’s tv. Nothing works the way it does on tv.

AMBER

It’s your hit.

BRITANY

Shit, thanks.

AMBER

Do you think Kevin is coming tonight? Who did you invite?

BRITANY

Fuck, I don’t know Amber. Our friends. If he shows up, he shows up. Just don’t fold next time you see him. It’s a party. Have fun. Yell “surprise” when you’re supposed to.

AMBER

Fine, Jesus. Just want to know what I’m up against.

BRITANY

It’s always you versus the rest of the world, unless you got me, then it’s us versus them.

AMBER

I meant the party.

BRITANY

I know, I was trying to be poetic.

AMBER

…oh.

BRITANY

I feel something coming. I’ve got to write this down…

AMBER

It’s your hit again.

BRITANY

Not now, right now I’m in the zone.

AMBER

C’mon, Britany…Briiiiitany…We’ll I’m not waiting for you.

BRITANY

I need a pen, do you see a pen anywhere?

AMBER

What?

BRITANY

Where’s that sharpie we used to make the sign?

AMBER

Fuck…I don’t…fuck…

BRITANY

Here it is!

AMBER

Are you writing on your arm? …What are you writing on your arm? …God, you’re always doing that. Get a fucking tattoo already. Jesus…I think this bowl is cashed. Yeah. It is.

BRITANY

Alright, that’s it for now.

AMBER

Aw, can’t we smoke some more?

BRITANY

Oh, yeah, sure. I was talking about my arm. You want me to read you what I wrote?

AMBER

Yeah…

BRITANY

You know what, we should clean up for the party. This place is a mess. Where did you put the sign?

AMBER

What sign?

BRITANY

The “Happy Birthday” sign. The sign for the surprise. Where’d you put it? Is it behind the couch?

AMBER

How do I look?

BRITANY

Really stoned…here it is! Ok, I’m gonna leave it there. Remember where you left it. What time is it? Fuck, people will be coming soon. Is the booze cold?

A knock at the door.

BRITANY

FUCK! Someone is here. Fuck fuck fuck. Go answer the door, I’ll hide in the bathroom.

AMBER

You answer the door. It’s your place.

BRITANY

I can’t answer the door! That’s the /whole fucking point, we don’t want them to know.

/Another knock at the door.

BRITANY

Never mind. I’ll get it. You keep doing what you’re doing.

BRITANY opens the door, where JO is standing in the with a 40 oz bottle of PBR.

Hi, I’m, is there a party here tonight? Sorry, I’m sorry…

BRITANY

NO! No, no no no, don’t-

Oh, ok. Well thanks anyway…

BRITANY

NO! There is a party! I was saying don’t be sorry before.

Oh! I’m sorry…

BRITANY

DON’T BE SORRY!

Okay…

BRITANY

Sorry…

AMBER kills the dream.

AMBER

Hello! Come in! That’s Britany, My name’s Amber. I don’t think I’ve met you before. What’s your name?

Jo. Hi.

AMBER

Do you smoke?

I’m trying to quit.

AMBER

Weed?

Cigarettes?

BRITANY

Amber…

AMBER

You should sit down here, I’ll load a bowl. Where are you from, Jo? Who do you know?

You know what? I think I’m a bit early…

AMBER

No way, dude! It’s a surprise party, you’re supposed to come early, otherwise you miss the whole surprise.

Who is the surprise for?

BRITANY

So, how did you find out about the party?

Oh, a friend. Is that a cassette player?

BRITANY

What friend?

Am I crashing your party?

BRITANY

No, not at all. I was curious.

What do you have written on your arm?

AMBER

Poems. Britany is always doodling on herself.

You should get a tattoo.

AMBER

That’s funny! That’s what I’m always telling her. Do you have any tattoos? Here, you can take the first hit…

…You know what? I think I’ll come back a bit later.

AMBER

What’s your problem, you don’t smoke?

No, no, I do, but I promised my friend we’d show up together, and I bet he wanted a ride.

AMBER

Are you sure?

BRITANY

Okay, well, we’ll see you later then.

Okay. Hey, when’s the surprise?

BRITANY

In about an hour and a half.

AMBER

Really? We’ve got some time then…

Okay, see you soon.

JO exits.

BRITANY

What the fuck, Amber?

AMBER

What do you mean what the fuck?

BRITANY

Nothing. Where’d you put the sign?

AMBER

You already found it, its right over there.

BRITANY

Right. Sorry. Help me hang it up.

AMBER

Shit, I’m dizzy…

BRITANY

Well you smoked a ton…

AMBER

Don’t…ugh…Ima lie down a bit.

BRITANY

Where’s the tape?

AMBER

Over there somewhere.

BRITANY

Over where? You didn’t point anywhere.

AMBER

Yeah I did, you don’t know.

BRITANY

Never mind, I found it.

BRITANY plays “Jump” by KrissKross on cassette and begins to hang up the sign.

AMBER

Jump! Jump!

BRITANY

Are you gonna help? Amber? I can do this myself, but I need you to stay awake, sweetie, so you can answer the door.

AMBER

Jump! Jump!

BRITANY

That’s it, you keep singing along, and I’ll keep talking to you. God, this is the most stoned I’ve seen you since the White Stripes concert at…shit, do you remember when the White Stripes were small, and it cost less than 10 bucks to see them in Baton Rouge? I had the worst fake I.D. ever.

AMBER

Jump. Jump.

BRITANY

Now they’re all huge. Now they’re iPOD music. Never liked them that much anyway. I’d rather listen to Ace of Base. 23 million albums sold. My kind of music.

The sign says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITTANY!”

BRITANY

Fuck, Amber! Don’t you know how to spell my name? …Amber?

AMBER

jump, jump…

BRITANY

WAKE UP! C’mon, sweetie, you need to wake up now, we got more people coming any minute. Jesus…You know I appreciate you helping me out with my party and all, but the least you could do is get my name right.

POUNDING AT THE DOOR.

BRITANY

Shit…Shitshitshitshitshit!

BRITANY exits through a window. POUNDING AT THE DOOR continues until the door gets BUSTED DOWN. Enter STILES.

STILES

HAPPY MOTHERFUCKIN’ BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKERS! Hello?

AMBER is passed out cold.

STILES

What the fuck? Hello? Jesus, am I in the wrong place? Happy Birthday BRITANY. That’s not how she spells it.

KEVIN enters.

KEVIN

Holy shit, did you bust the door down?

STILES

Dude, are we at the right place?

KEVIN

You could have figured that out before busting the damn door down. Damnit, Stiles, do you know how to fix a door?

STILES

Isn’t that your girlfriend on the couch?

KEVIN

Where? Oh. No. We just broke up. Is she awake?

STILES

Whose bowl is that? You think it’s up for grabs?

KEVIN

You trash Britany’s house and now you’re stealing her weed? What the crap is wrong with you?

STILES

I don’t see Britany around, do you? Dude. I bet this isn’t her place at all, man. It’s totally up for grabs.

KEVIN

Did Amber hear you come in?

STILES

Do you got a lighter?

KEVIN

Where is Britany, anyway?

STILES

How the fuck should I know?

KEVIN

Well shit. What time is it?

STILES

Iuhknow. What time were we supposed to be here?

KEVIN

Are you really going to smoke all that by yourself?

STILES

Why, you want a hit?

KEVIN

…Yeah, I guess so.

KEVIN takes a hit. BRITANY enters.

BRITANY

What the fuck did you do to my door?

STILES

Surprise!

KEVIN

Jesus, Stiles, what the fuck is wrong with you?

BRITANY

Is that my shit you’re smoking?

STILES KEVIN

No. Yes.

BRITANY

What am I supposed to do? I got people coming over!

STILES

Yeah, man, uh, I don’t know, you should, like fix it.

KEVIN

Stiles!

BRITANY

Out.

STILES

Fuck. I can fix this easy. Got any duct tape?

BRITANY

OUT.

STILES

Jesus, I’m just kidding.

BRITANY

I’m not! Get the fuck out, both of you!

STILES

How you gonna keep us out when you don’t got a door?

BRITANY

Stiles, you’re ruining my birthday party. Please just get the fuck out and don’t come back.

STILES

I’m just teasing, you know I love you baby.

KEVIN

Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be a surprise party? What are you even doing here?

BRITANY

You know what? I’m not going to let this bother me. What do I care if you morons destroy my home? We’re all here to have a good time right? I could be glad you’re here, so let’s just have a good time.

STILES

I’m here to have a good time. Is that your shitter?

STILES exits to the bathroom.

KEVIN

Did Amber spoil the surprise?

BRITANY

No. There was no surprise.

KEVIN

You mean you threw your own surprise party?

BRITANY

No, I mean there was no surprise. The surprise was that there was no surprise. Surprise! Surprised?

KEVIN

Amber totally spoiled the surprise, didn’t she.

BRITANY

Yeah, Kevin. Amber is the root of all evil.

KEVIN

I fuckin’ knew it. Did she do it because you invited me? It was because of me, wasn’t it? God, she is so fucking selfish. I bet she’s been here for hours smoking all your weed, hasn’t she?

BRITANY

At least she asked first.

KEVIN

That wasn’t me, that was all Stiles.

BRITANY

Yeah, that’s why you had the bowl in your face when I walked in the door, wasn’t it?

KEVIN

Listen, I’m only a product of my generation. How much can you expect of me in this era of cheating and cheap cocaine?

BRITANY

Yeah, right, so you want some beer or what?

KEVIN

Sure, I’ll get it myself, thanks.

BRITANY

Get me one too.

KEVIN

How old are you?

BRITANY

Uh, 24.

KEVIN

Really? Huh.

BRITANY

What?

KEVIN

I thought you were younger.

BRITANY

Yeah, everyone does.

KEVIN

But I thought you were a lot younger. Like this much younger. Like still in high school.

BRITANY

No, I graduated seven years ago, but I suppose that might be flattering in some way.

KEVIN

Well, that’s funny. I’m sorry if I ever treated you weird.

BRITANY

Weird how?

KEVIN

Maybe not giving you total respect, not listening to what you had to say…you just talk to a high schooler different than you talk to an adult, you know?

BRITANY

No, I pretty much talk to everyone the same.

KEVIN

To be honest, I always thought you were some sort of spoiled brat. I put up with you because of Amber.

BRITANY

Wow, gee, happy birthday me.

KEVIN

No, because you have a place of your own and I’m the one still living with my parents. I figured you had this place because someone was subsidizing you or something, especially because you don’t have to work for a living.

BRITANY

Hah!

KEVIN

I’m being an asshole. Am I being an asshole?

BRITANY

Stiles sure is taking his sweet time.

KEVIN

We had chili at steak n’ shake before we got here.

BRITANY

Great.

KEVIN

Happy 24^th birthday BRITANY.

BRITANY

I wish I knew when people were going to show up.

KEVIN

I’m expecting my friend Jo to be here any minute.

BRITANY

Jo is your friend?

KEVIN

What, do you know (her/him)?

BRITANY

Yeah, I mean no, (s)he beat you here. Took off real quick though. Said (s)he’d be back soon.

KEVIN

Jo is real cool.

BRITANY

Oh yeah? Why?

KEVIN

(S)he’s the fastest person I’ve ever met. (S)he literally does everything like (s)he’s on speed. You have a conversation with (him/her) its like battling a slam poet or something. God, (s)he’s hip, too. Not fake hip, not hipster hip. I mean like hip. (S)he’s in this band, it’s like a cross between the Pixies and the Magnetic fields, but not in the way that the Arcade Fire are like the Pixies, like they’ve got this whole Swedish-pop-revolution-Jens-Lekman-nordic-invasion /thing going on and okay I’m talking to myself, aren’t I yeah, I’m rather used to that…

/BRITANY exits to the bathroom.

KEVIN

…It’s not like people listen to me anyway. I’m perfectly content being a Nick Carraway to my generation’s Gatsby. I’m good at being a fly on the wall. A wallflower, as Jaxob Dylan might say. It’s not like I’ve got anything original to say or anything useful to really contribute to the world besides my encyclopedic knowledge of popular culture and my ability to drop obscure names and movie titles and use them instead of similes or metaphors. I mean it’s not as if I’ve invented a completely new way to use the English language or anything. And by the way I was being sarcastic. Like, way sarcastic. More sarcastic than these times even.

AMBER is still asleep.

AMBER

Kevin? Is that you?

KEVIN

Amber?

AMBER

Stop being such a fucking dweeb.

KEVIN

Amber? Are you even awake? Wake up! Amber! Jesus, and you call me a dweeb. Dweeb. Who says dweeb? I haven’t heard dweeb since “Saved by the Bell: the New Class.”

BRITANY enters.

BRITANY

Kevin, your friend is passed out on my toilet.

KEVIN laughs uncontrollably.

BRITANY

What? It’s not funny. Dude, you’re going to have to do something about this. Quit laughing. It isn’t…he’s all slumped over…quit making me laugh…seriously, he looks like Elvis or something…I’m not joking, it smells like shit in there…GODDAMNIT it’s not funny!

KEVIN

Then why are you laughing?

BRITANY

I was only laughing because you were laughing.

KEVIN

Monkey see monkey do.

BRITANY

You just called yourself a monkey.

KEVIN

No I didn’t.

BRITANY

Yes you did, you just said “monkey see monkey do” which means you’re the monkey and I’m imitating you.

KEVIN

That’s not what it means at all. You’re mixing up “monkey see monkey do” with “takes /one to know one” which doesn’t-

BRITANY

/AlrightalrightIdon’tcare already SHUT THE FUCK UP!

KEVIN

…sorry.

BRITANY

Just, go wake up your friend or pick him up off my toilet before I think he’s had a /heart attack and died.

KEVIN

/Are you kidding? I can’t pick him up! He weighs like a million pounds!

BRITANY

Well, at least go in there and flush the toilet for me.

KEVIN

Why can’t you do it? It’s your house.

BRITANY

Because he’s half naked and it smells like shit.

KEVIN

I know, I’m not getting near that.

BRITANY

Please? It’s my birthday.

KEVIN

So?

BRITANY

I’ll smoke you up.

KEVIN

Deal.

KEVIN exits. BRITANY plays “I believe I can fly” by R. Kelly on the stereo and sings along as she tries to duct tape the door to the wall. KEVIN enters while she continues taping the door.

KEVIN

God, I hate this song.

BRITANY

Well then turn it off.

KEVIN turns off the music.

BRITANY

Is he alive?

KEVIN

Uh. Yeah.

BRITANY

Are you sure?

KEVIN

Yeah, I woke him up, it’s cool.

BRITANY

Well then where is he?

KEVIN

He’s in your bathtub sleeping it off. You need help with that door?

BRITANY

No, I think I got it.

KEVIN

Where is everybody?

BRITANY

I don’t know. Amber called all the usual people but no one has shown up at all. This is like the first time ever.

KEVIN

Hey are you still selling?

BRITANY

Is there something I don’t know about? Is there some big secret that I’m missing here?

KEVIN

A big secret? Like that this was never a surprise party? Because I think you’re right on top of that one. Unless it is a surprise party after all.

BRITANY

Shut up.

BRITANY finishes the door.

KEVIN

There. Good as new. Sorry to bug you about this again, but are you still selling?

BRITANY

What does it matter to you? You’re just going to smoke all my shit anyway when I’m not looking.

KEVIN

You can take that bowl out of my bag. How much?

BRITANY

I’m not selling anymore.

KEVIN

What?

BRITANY

I’m done selling. It’s been a good year and I’ve been more than lucky. My connection got busted and I’ve already made enough money for one lifetime.

BRITANY loads another bowl.

KEVIN

How much?

BRITANY

I’m not telling you.

KEVIN

Oh, come on.

BRITANY

Jesus, Kevin, you’re being really annoying.

KEVIN

Tell me tellmetellmetellme…

BRITANY

Kevin…you’re such a disease.

KEVIN

Why do you always Home Alone me?

BRITANY

Here. Take it. On the house.

KEVIN

You serious?

BRITANY

It’s a severance package. Consider it a “golden parachute.”

KEVIN

You got a lighter? Thanks.

BRITANY

Yeah, so I think I’m going to take the rest of the year off and find a job in January. No thanks, I don’t want any.

KEVIN

Stiles will be heartbroken.

BRITANY

Well Stiles can find a new dealer.

KEVIN

It won’t be the same, dude.

BRITANY

God, I really hope people start showing up soon.

KEVIN

Come out and say it. How much money have you saved so far?

BRITANY

Enough.

KEVIN

Like in numbers.

BRITANY

Are you a cop or something? No seriously, why do you want me to explicitly state how much I’ve earned?

KEVIN

I’m curious! Just give me a ballpark.

BRITANY

Fine. Jesus. Without the rent or the food money I’ve had to spend? Like, ten grand.

KEVIN

That’s it?

BRITANY

It’s not a very lucrative business for someone like me.

KEVIN

I thought drug dealers made that much in a month.

BRITANY

Shut up.

KEVIN

What?

BRITANY

I’m not a drug dealer.

KEVIN

Yeah you are.

BRITANY

I sell pot, there’s a difference.

KEVIN

Uh…that’s like saying-

BRITANY

I know, whatever, I know that sounded stupid, but whatever. There is a difference between being a drug dealer and selling pot. One preys on people’s weakness, the other provides a service to her community, her friends. Jackass.

KEVIN

So where do you keep it?

BRITANY

What? I’m not telling you!

KEVIN

What am I gonna do?

BRITANY

In the bank. I keep it in the bank.

KEVIN

Bullshit, it’s got to be cash.

BRITANY

Gimme back my weed.

BRITANY steals the bowl from KEVIN.

KEVIN

Hey! You gave that to me?

BRITANY

So?

KEVIN